FRUSTRATION & HESITATION...

Yep, disappeared again.

That part of me that's supposed to care about ME & my weight doesn't care about blogging, either, I suppose.

I have really got to get it back together...not quite sure what it's going to take to make me do that, though. I said (maybe to myself) a while ago that maybe I was going to have to get back to that desperation mode in order for it to REALLY kick in what I've done to myself....

I think I'm there.

desperate.
depressed.
frustrated.
hesitant.
embarrassed.

OVERWHELMED.

I went jacket shopping yesterday...I have nothing that fits (I gave away all of my big clothes way back when, I was never going to get back to that weight, remember?)... I don't want a new jacket. I'm never going to find one that makes me look good... it's just not possible @ this point. I'm beyond feeling like the right cut will help. There isn't a cut out there that can make THIS disappear.

I feel massive.

I just stepped on the scale this morning after about a month of not wanting to even face it... a month of too much sugar & no movement. Too many late nights & too little sleep. I was around 261 lbs a month ago... yep, gaining it all back. After my shopping experience yesterday, I fully expected to be up in the 270s this morning.

260.8 lbs.

Surprised...yes. Make me feel better? Not a chance.

260.8 lbs. That's huge.

I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO...

.......why don't I just do it?

I
DON'T
KNOW

I don't get it.

What am I getting out of being this self destructive?? Dr, Phil would say I'm getting something out of it... can't imagine what.

Speaking of Dr. Phil... I'm flying to Austin, Texas on Friday (no, not to see him, but he's from Texas)...I'm so excited. I'm going to be taking a glass class w/ a fantastic glass bead artist, Andrea Guarino-Slemmons. I'll be down there w/ 4 friends, it'll be an awesome time. BUT... I'm freaking out about flying. Not about flying itself, but about FITTING. About fitting in the seat w/out feeling like I'm invading my neighbor's space. About the seatbelt fitting. The last time I flew, gosh, when was that? September 2008? I was what? 240lbs? I'm up 20 lbs from there & the seatbelts were tight back then. Ugh. I don't want to be embarrassed. At least I'm toward the back & on the aisle. Minimal embarrassement, I think. It's a small plane, too... just 4 seats across, total. I hope small plane doesn't mean small seats. :o(

.......on a positive note, LOL (gotta have some positive stuff going on somewhere in my life!), I'm making some incredible glass beads & objects these days!! :o) Here's a picture of a bucket of them just before I clean them. They're under water... such a cool picture.

(click on image for larger view)

Beautiful, huh? At least I'm doing something right.