Yes, I disappeared, again... life is nuts & I obviously have no time for blogging... but it would be nice for even me if I took it up again. I need to talk through things, I think.
I stepped on the scale yesterday... I'm a little surprised...not by the weight, because I got this scale a few months ago, but surprised after I checked to see where I was in November last year that I've only gained 8 lbs in 8 months. I'm sitting @ 250 lbs... I feel so much bigger, but maybe that's because I'm back to dealing w/ my reality & I've seen pictures, looked in full size mirrors, been shopping for clothes. (yeah, that sucked!)
(LOL... I just realized that that's Alcatraz in the back- ground! Click image to see larger view)
A few months ago I FINALLY decided to officially quit Weight Watchers. I have been a paying member since January 2003...whether I had it together or not. I hadn't been to a meeting since my last weigh-in in November & every week that meeting day came & went, I was feeling more & more shame.
Not just guilt & failure, but SHAME.
Shame in knowing that if I went, I'd be facing another gain... & many other things that are hard to explain...
I realized that this shame wasn't helping me in any way, shape or form... I WASN'T getting it together...disappointment in myself each week wasn't motivating me... I just needed a breather, I think.
So I finally cancelled my Weight Watchers account & immediately felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders. I can't explain it... it shouldn't be like this, I LOVE Weight Watchers... I LOVE my leader(s) & the staff... I care about them & others in my meetings... I've formed relationships... that should mean SOMETHING, right??
I don't get it... but I needed to do SOMETHING.
The next thing I did was to get a weight scale. I picked up a scale about a year into my WW journey, but sold it w/in a few months because it started playing games w/ my head. It wasn't about the ups & downs of daily weighing... I completely understood all of that, but it was weighing at home the day before my official WI... if I didn't like what I saw on the scale (even if it was a loss!), I didn't WI @ my meeting the next day. This wasn't supposed to be about the numbers & the scale was making it so.
BUT, having not weighed in in months wasn't helping, either... it was easy to hide from what I was doing to myself, so I figured that having a scale in the house was at least a way to deal w/ reality & maybe help me find some balance... & it has. I'm working on becoming more thoughful in what I do & what I'm consuming. Time to tighten things up in the kitchen... good, healthy, nutritious foods are easy to do... just gotta do it consistently. I plan on start walking as soon as I can (I'm dealing w/ a knee issue @ the moment... tore something in there a few months ago)... I have to get moving again, that's probably my biggest issue.
So that's where I am w/ my weight. It's not pretty...but I'm starting to work through it.
& yeah...on my own...
I've just come to realize that I was relying so much on outside support & accountability, that when I didn't have the time for message boards, the gym, meetings, etc, I didn't know how to keep it going on my own. I'm working on just living a healthy life on simpler terms. Does that make any sense? I know a support system is important...& I know people care about me (cuz I care about you, too!)... but I've really got to do this on my own... my own pace, my own terms, my influence, etc...
(ewwwww.....not the best angle, but look @ that cute kid!)
As far as the rest of my life goes, it's going great!
Brad & I just celebrated our 20th anniversary while we were on a 3 week road trip to the west coast (no kids for the first half of the trip!) The kids are getting older... Sam is 14 & Brayden is almost 11... awesome mellow guys.
I've begun doing art & bead shows this past year & am loving it...
(click on image for detailed view)
I just did my first national show in early June & it was fantastic! It's really exciting to get my work out to a larger audience.... I love talking to people, meeting other fantastic artists & getting feedback on my work, etc. I've got my pieces in a gallery on Madeline Island, Wisconsin (Bell Street Gallery)... my first gallery experience & it's awesome!! I'll be traveling to Philadelphia & Houston in the next few months & then who knows what's next?? I'm excited about where this is going to take me...
Anyway... there you go. I'm good... my weight sucks & yes, it's depressing... but I've not given up... I'm just trying to figure out how to balance my new life w/ a healthy life. I'll let you know how it's going... hopefully more often than not. :o)I'll be back...
Julie
2 comments:
Hey Jules! Do it whatever way works best for you; but JUST DO IT! You need to be around for those young men you have. I was going to say "kids" but they are definitely NOT the little kids I remember!
I think of you often and I'm glad to hear that you're hanging in there!
Cindy (aka Mamacin)
Aw...my sweet friend from NC! :o) Thanks Cindy...you come to my mind often as well. So happy to see you living that healthy life!
I definitely haven't given up, but like you've said, I just seriously need to figure out what works for my life.
Yes... those boys have certainly grown a bit since you met them. :o) Good boys... lucky me.
xox..me.
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