FRUSTRATION & HESITATION...

Yep, disappeared again.

That part of me that's supposed to care about ME & my weight doesn't care about blogging, either, I suppose.

I have really got to get it back together...not quite sure what it's going to take to make me do that, though. I said (maybe to myself) a while ago that maybe I was going to have to get back to that desperation mode in order for it to REALLY kick in what I've done to myself....

I think I'm there.

desperate.
depressed.
frustrated.
hesitant.
embarrassed.

OVERWHELMED.

I went jacket shopping yesterday...I have nothing that fits (I gave away all of my big clothes way back when, I was never going to get back to that weight, remember?)... I don't want a new jacket. I'm never going to find one that makes me look good... it's just not possible @ this point. I'm beyond feeling like the right cut will help. There isn't a cut out there that can make THIS disappear.

I feel massive.

I just stepped on the scale this morning after about a month of not wanting to even face it... a month of too much sugar & no movement. Too many late nights & too little sleep. I was around 261 lbs a month ago... yep, gaining it all back. After my shopping experience yesterday, I fully expected to be up in the 270s this morning.

260.8 lbs.

Surprised...yes. Make me feel better? Not a chance.

260.8 lbs. That's huge.

I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO...

.......why don't I just do it?

I
DON'T
KNOW

I don't get it.

What am I getting out of being this self destructive?? Dr, Phil would say I'm getting something out of it... can't imagine what.

Speaking of Dr. Phil... I'm flying to Austin, Texas on Friday (no, not to see him, but he's from Texas)...I'm so excited. I'm going to be taking a glass class w/ a fantastic glass bead artist, Andrea Guarino-Slemmons. I'll be down there w/ 4 friends, it'll be an awesome time. BUT... I'm freaking out about flying. Not about flying itself, but about FITTING. About fitting in the seat w/out feeling like I'm invading my neighbor's space. About the seatbelt fitting. The last time I flew, gosh, when was that? September 2008? I was what? 240lbs? I'm up 20 lbs from there & the seatbelts were tight back then. Ugh. I don't want to be embarrassed. At least I'm toward the back & on the aisle. Minimal embarrassement, I think. It's a small plane, too... just 4 seats across, total. I hope small plane doesn't mean small seats. :o(

.......on a positive note, LOL (gotta have some positive stuff going on somewhere in my life!), I'm making some incredible glass beads & objects these days!! :o) Here's a picture of a bucket of them just before I clean them. They're under water... such a cool picture.

(click on image for larger view)

Beautiful, huh? At least I'm doing something right.

IT'S A MIRACLE!!...

I stepped on my scale this morning after a really good weekend & it showed a TWENTY-FIVE POUND LOSS!!! Can you believe that?? Absolute miracle!! I even let it go back to zero & stepped back up twice just to verify... sure enough, 25 lbs. WOW!

Of course I knew that was a bunch of BS, this isn't THE BIGGEST LOSER & I haven't even started exercising yet, so I picked up the scale, brushed the dog-food crumbs off of the foot pads (they share the same corner, the dog dishes & my scale) & stepped back up & sure enough, reality... down only a pound. :o)

LOL... that's okay w/ me... my reality is about finding my way back to a healthy lifestyle & making it work for MY LIFE... my daily reality.

One pound down is good... better than one up, right??

On to tomorrow...

Julie

DOIN' GOOD...

Feeling good. Just making basic positive movements... filled the kitchen w/ healthy foods... & am basically just trying to work on that positive attitude that came so easily way back when. I know it makes all of the difference in the world.

A FRIDAY HAIKU...

Balancing my life.
Know exactly what to do.
Feeling positive.

~ Julie

SO WHERE AM I??

Geez... where to start?

Yes, I disappeared, again... life is nuts & I obviously have no time for blogging... but it would be nice for even me if I took it up again. I need to talk through things, I think.

I stepped on the scale yesterday... I'm a little surprised...not by the weight, because I got this scale a few months ago, but surprised after I checked to see where I was in November last year that I've only gained 8 lbs in 8 months. I'm sitting @ 250 lbs... I feel so much bigger, but maybe that's because I'm back to dealing w/ my reality & I've seen pictures, looked in full size mirrors, been shopping for clothes. (yeah, that sucked!)

(LOL... I just realized that that's Alcatraz in the back- ground! Click image to see larger view)


A few months ago I FINALLY decided to officially quit Weight Watchers. I have been a paying member since January 2003...whether I had it together or not. I hadn't been to a meeting since my last weigh-in in November & every week that meeting day came & went, I was feeling more & more shame.

Not just guilt & failure, but SHAME.

Shame in knowing that if I went, I'd be facing another gain... & many other things that are hard to explain...







I realized that this shame wasn't helping me in any way, shape or form... I WASN'T getting it together...disappointment in myself each week wasn't motivating me... I just needed a breather, I think.

So I finally cancelled my Weight Watchers account & immediately felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders. I can't explain it... it shouldn't be like this, I LOVE Weight Watchers... I LOVE my leader(s) & the staff... I care about them & others in my meetings... I've formed relationships... that should mean SOMETHING, right??

I don't get it... but I needed to do SOMETHING.

The next thing I did was to get a weight scale. I picked up a scale about a year into my WW journey, but sold it w/in a few months because it started playing games w/ my head. It wasn't about the ups & downs of daily weighing... I completely understood all of that, but it was weighing at home the day before my official WI... if I didn't like what I saw on the scale (even if it was a loss!), I didn't WI @ my meeting the next day. This wasn't supposed to be about the numbers & the scale was making it so.

BUT, having not weighed in in months wasn't helping, either... it was easy to hide from what I was doing to myself, so I figured that having a scale in the house was at least a way to deal w/ reality & maybe help me find some balance... & it has. I'm working on becoming more thoughful in what I do & what I'm consuming. Time to tighten things up in the kitchen... good, healthy, nutritious foods are easy to do... just gotta do it consistently. I plan on start walking as soon as I can (I'm dealing w/ a knee issue @ the moment... tore something in there a few months ago)... I have to get moving again, that's probably my biggest issue.

So that's where I am w/ my weight. It's not pretty...but I'm starting to work through it.

& yeah...on my own...

I've just come to realize that I was relying so much on outside support & accountability, that when I didn't have the time for message boards, the gym, meetings, etc, I didn't know how to keep it going on my own. I'm working on just living a healthy life on simpler terms. Does that make any sense? I know a support system is important...& I know people care about me (cuz I care about you, too!)... but I've really got to do this on my own... my own pace, my own terms, my influence, etc...

(ewwwww.....not the best angle, but look @ that cute kid!)










As far as the rest of my life goes, it's going great!
Brad & I just celebrated our 20th anniversary while we were on a 3 week road trip to the west coast (no kids for the first half of the trip!) The kids are getting older... Sam is 14 & Brayden is almost 11... awesome mellow guys.

I've begun doing art & bead shows this past year & am loving it...
(click on image for detailed view)











I just did my first national show in early June & it was fantastic! It's really exciting to get my work out to a larger audience.... I love talking to people, meeting other fantastic artists & getting feedback on my work, etc. I've got my pieces in a gallery on Madeline Island, Wisconsin (Bell Street Gallery)... my first gallery experience & it's awesome!! I'll be traveling to Philadelphia & Houston in the next few months & then who knows what's next?? I'm excited about where this is going to take me...
Anyway... there you go. I'm good... my weight sucks & yes, it's depressing... but I've not given up... I'm just trying to figure out how to balance my new life w/ a healthy life. I'll let you know how it's going... hopefully more often than not. :o)

I'll be back...

Julie

MY REALITY...

Watching Oprah today, talking about her weight gain...

I'm back up to HUGE...

Time to face reality...

Will be back to deal w/ it & talk about where I am...

Back to Oprah.