BUSY BUSY GIRL...

I'm outrageously busy right now... still being pretty good, but not having all the time in the world to THJ, so I missed a few days over the weekend & am back to THJ day 3. Gotta start back @ 1 if I miss a day. I need to make a goal of 30 days straight of THJ.

I had a good week... not being absolutely as careful as I was last week. I mean not writing things down instantly & having to think the day through @ the end of the day instead of writing things down as they go in my mouth. It would be nice to plan a day every so often... I've never been a pre-planner. At the moment w/ my crazy (non)schedule, it feels like pre-planning is never going to happen.... but maybe it's times like this where making a plan is a great idea. When will I find the time, thought?? LOL. We're heading to Colorado for Thanksgiving on Friday... maybe I'll be able to make a plan while we're on the road...

WI tomorrow...

Wish me luck!

~ Julie

WEIGH-IN - WEEK 1

Weeks OP: 1
WI Date: 11/12/08

Weight: 242
Loss/Gain: -4.4 lbs

Total Loss: 4.4
Pounds to Goal: 92

Had a great first week OP... it felt really good to be back on track... back to paying attention to food... to myself. 4.4 lbs feels FABULOUS... successful.

I met an awesome chick my first week back named Jean... it was her first week, too & she noticed me filling out the forms & was excited to see someone new, too. I'm not quite new, LOL, but it was really nice to connect w/ someone since I hadn't been @ this Wednesday meeting much & hadn't made any connections yet. Going consistently will help. I didn't hesitate going to my meeting this week even though I'm beyond super busy because I wanted to be there for her. I was happy to see her show up & saved her a seat. She mentioned during our meeting that she was happy to have made the connection w/ me last week, too & that knowing I was going to be there gave her a reason to return.... so that's cool. I could really use a connection like that... a reason beyond myself to keep me accountable. Plus, Pam (my leader) said that if I didn't show up she'd show up @ my house! LOL! I just love her.

Here's to a great week 2!

~ Julie

DAY 4 THJ...

Here you go... two more THJ days... it's been good, easy.

I've always known it was easy, if I just did it. What makes us choose not to do what we know is the right thing? Maybe we feel we deserve the junk... does it really make us feel better? Not really...

I don't think these last few years have been about eating junk to feel better... well, not always, but more about just choosing not to choose. Sometimes it's just easier to not have to think... I've been so busy, distracted & sometimes slightly depressed, I guess. It's been more about getting by & sometimes about that little thing I call "instant gratification"... wanting what I want because I just do.

I'm back to trying to minimize, if not avoid sugar... I really overdid it around Halloween & really felt it... anxious, bitchy, stressed. I know what sugar does to me & I know that I'm better off w/out it.

I gotta admit, though, in avoiding sugar on & off these past few years, "watching my intake" was more about the sugar & less about keeping nutritionally balanced. I didn't avoid fatty foods & such that I normally would if I were OP.... & I stopped keeping a tight reign on proportions.

Anyway... it's been a good week. 2 more days till WI.

Till next time...

~ Julie

....oh yeah... no new personal pictures or stats, I really need to do that... but I'll do a little showing off. This is what I'm up to... (click on images for enlarged view)

DAY 2 THJ...

Good day today...

Getting ready for my first "home show" next Friday, so I'm a busy, busy, busy girl... not alot of time to think about eating, but I'm doing it. Luckily I have some good/healthy soups on hand, which I love as it's getting colder... & I grabbed an apple for my "after torching snack".

BTW... we had our first snow today. Ugh. I'm not ready for winter! :o)

Till next time...

~ Julie

DAY 1 THJ

I'm going to be THJing again (Totally Honest Journaling)... it's what works for me... time to get those good habits again.

I had a good day today... no activity, unless you call sitting @ a torch all day activity, LOL, but I ate well & stayed away from the kids' Halloween candy (what's left of it, anyway).

Don't know if I'll post my daily THJ basic stats here... that's kinda boring. As long as I'm keeping track of them, that's what I care about.

Anyway... feeling good today... not quite on my feet as far as WW goes, of course it's just day one & yes, I do know everything, LOL, but I've got some bad habits to get away from again, so it'll take time. The thing that I've been doing for a while now is mindless eating while I'm preparing meals. Mostly having a piece of this or that, whatever I'm preparing, but still, bad habit. I made sure that I wrote it down... & then kept myself from continuing w/ it.

I just finished up torching, it's 1am & my normal thing to do is go get a snack & watch some TV for a while. I have points left for my day, actually, but eating this late isn't a fabulous idea, so I haven't decided if I'm going to get a snack. An apple w/ PB2 sounds good, but that's still calories that I'll be sleeping on. Maybe I should just go to bed, huh?? :o)

Feels good to be thinking about staying OP again... it's been a long time. Now I just need to do some planning...

Till next time...

~ Julie

NOT GIVING UP...

I didn't mention that last week I had finally decided to quit paying monthly for meetings & eTools since I hadn't been using them. I went out to the WW website & actually found the "Cancel account" button..... but I hesitated, got a little sad & then decided that I wasn't ready to quit.

I knew I wanted to do something... I'm pretty ticked off about gaining this weight back... but I was thinking that maybe WW wasn't for me anymore. Maybe I needed to do something else... LA Weightloss, Slim for Life, Jenny Craig, etc... seriously, I've been thinking about it. I like the idea of one-on-one help... but I've been a WW believer forever... I know it works, I just gotta do the work.... no different that what I'd be doing w/ the other programs, right?

Anyway... I didn't quit & decided that it was about time to get it together... so I'm sticking w/ WW..... I love the leaders, Pam & Michelle... & I've connected w/ people @ the Saturday meetings. Don't know if I'll be going to the Saturday meetings, Wednesday morning's meeting is much closer & it's smaller, so I can get a little one-on-one time w/ Pam if I need it. Michelle is always so busy w/ new members... I never stuck around, even if I was struggling. (which was all the time)

So here I am... ready for the challenge...

I VOTED FOR ME TODAY...

Yesterday I voted for president...

Today I voted YES for me.
I went to a meeting this morning... filled out the paperwork & am starting fresh. Period.

It's tough not to look back...
& yet there is so much for me to get hung up on by doing so.

So I'm starting over.

Here are the stats, it's not pretty...
WEIGH-IN - WEEK 0

Weeks OP: 0
WI Date: 11/5/08

Weight: 246.2
Pounds to Goal: 96.2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the last time I'm looking backward...
My weight wasn't as high as I figured it would be, but it was close. My last WI was 19 weeks ago... I weighed 233.2 lbs then.... & if I think about it, if I was REALLY all that bad, gaining all of my weight back & then some wouldn't have been impossible over 19 weeks (I gained 25 lbs in one month back in high school after going off WW the first time!)... so I guess that JUST a 13 lb gain isn't as awful as it could've been, huh? But it was still unnecessary...

But I'm back...
I'm pissed...
& I'm determined to find the balance I need in my life to make it all work!

I promised a picture, didn't I? Ugh. I'll post one, soon. I'm going to take pictures, starting measurements, etc...

So I'll be back.

Till then...

TIME FOR CHANGE...

Okay... here we are, again...

It's November 5th... the day after a historic Presidential Election.... the country is looking for change, something better...

...I'm feeling like it's time for me to begin looking for change in my life, too... DEFINITELY something better.

I totally lost sight of ME these last few years.... I'm lovin' what I've been up to... but I basically sacrificed myself in the process.

It's been since late June since I've been to a WW meeting... even though I hadn't been following the program since forever, I had still been trying to get to a meeting at least once a month for a little reality check...

I'm in dire need of a reality check... whether I truly want to face it or not. There's a meeting this morning, I'm gonna go. It's one of my favorite leaders, Pam... she lost 190 lbs after several starts/restarts, so she gets it. I'm thoroughly embarrassed, but I'm just hurting myself by staying away out of vanity.

I won't be surprised if I'm over 250 lbs. Ugh.

I'm pretty pissed @ myself... maybe that's what I need to get & keep me motivated. I've always wondered what it would take... I just don't know. Obviously my faith in myself is pretty low... I've continued to blow it over & over again for several years now... so I don't trust myself very much these days.

As much as I don't want to, I'll take a picture of myself & post it today... after I've showered, LOL... & gone to my meeting.

Time to make a committment to myself...

YOUR THREE WORDS...

You've seen these videos on ABC Good Morning America...

What are my three words? BELIEVE IN MYSELF

What are YOUR three words??

FIFTH WW ANNIVERSARY...

I forgot, my 5th anniversary w/ WW passed on January 23rd... not alot of fanfare, obviously, I thought for sure I'd be @ goal by my 5th anniversary... instead, I'm further away from it. Bummer.

Oh well... I'm working on it, right?

Let's look @ the positive stuff, shall we???

FIVE YEARS... I've never given up. (never even crossed my mind until recently). I could've lost 20 lbs back in 2003, quit, like my former M.O., & would've then gained 50 lbs, if not [much] more. I'd be sitting here over 300 lbs, depressed, uncomfortable, etc... I'd embarrass my kids, my husband, myself.

FIVE YEARS... hmmmmmmm... what else...
I'm definitely eating healthier... even if not perfect. (my family, too!) I LOVE fruits & veggies. I was lucky if I ate even one serving of either a week, if even. If anything, it was stuff like canned peaches, if I recall. LOL. I never used to eat broccoli...cooked or raw. I remember starting a thread on the WW GoaD board way back when asking what I could put on my cooked broccoli so I could eat it w/out drenching it in butter. Now I love it plain... just a little bit of garlic sea salt. Yum. I love most veggies... raw or cooked, plain. Fruit, too. Apples, MANGOES, clementines, grapefruit, grapes, etc... Such a yummy / sweet snacks.

I'll keep thinking... there are good things still happening... I just need to remember.

DOING WELL TODAY...

I've had 5 great days of THJing (Totally Honest Journaling)... been paying attention to all of the basics... making sure to get in my oils, which is easy to miss if I'm not writing it down. I'm even trying to get in enough grains/fiber, which is usually tough, for some reason... but I've been trying to find high fiber items & have been EATING them, too!! :o)

This morning I had a cup of Kashi Cinnamon Harvest Cereal (3 pts).. dry...I just love it, love the crunch. Higher fiber (5g), lowish sugar (9g...wish it was a little lower)... I cut up a banana into pretty thin slices & just ate the two (w/ coffee & milk) finger foods over a period of about 30 minutes. It's pretty satisfying. Normally I would've put the banana in the cereal & had it wet... having to eat it too quickly so it doesn't become mush... not very satisfying.

Anyways...it feels good. I have to remember that. I remember back when I was doing REALLY well, I would tell myself to remember how positive I was feeling, how well everything in my life seemed to be going better when I was keeping it together. It helped to recall that feeling because it made it easier to get back on track easily when I stumbled a bit because I hate feeling down on myself. I had forgotten about that feeling.

It's easy to get back... you just have to do it. Just have to remember that.

So, I'm working on that... keeping these feelings up front in my head...trying to remain focused on the positive. I know I can do it. Just gotta believe it. :o)

& I do.

FRUSTRATED...

If you've read through my other posts, you'll see I've not had any steady losses since the fall of 2004... almost 3 1/3 years of a whole lot of nothing.

I'm good, I'm bad, I'm inconsistent.

The positive thing about most of that time is that I had been able to at least keep most of that weight I already lost off.

That was until my focus was redirected to glass, big time! I've been so hyper-focused on lampworking that I've not taken any time to focus on ME. No exercise (none), no journaling, nothing. I haven't been AWFUL... but you all know that when you've lost weight you HAVE to pay attention (till death do you part). You have to continue to do what it took to get the weight off in the first place.

This lack of attention has finally started to take its toll. I held it back as long as I could, but the weight is slowly starting to creep back on. I have now gained just about half of my 90 lbs back. I like to think about it more like I've "just" gained 1/3 of the 75 lbs I've been able to keep off (I've been hovering around 75 lbs lost for about 3 of those 3 1/2 years), it's less painful that way. LOL.

Anyway... I'm tired... especially so from being sick...I'm emotional & frustrated...

The past few weeks, realizing how long it's been since I've had any consistent positive movement, it's hard to keep myself from looking back on all of that & feeling like it's just time to give up the fight. In a way I kind of feel like I already have, I just hadn't told myself yet.

...but then I know in my head that I DON'T want to go back there. I don't want to continue to gain...to get back up to 275 lbs & then 300 lbs & then what??? I already know that there is no weight that my body WON'T go beyond (like I thought FOR SURE I would never go beyond 150 lbs, way back when).

So... I'm not giving up. I'm going to fight. I'm going to work on getting my head back to where it was when I consistently losing... consistently positive... consistently on top of it.

I just need to start paying attention again.

Time to find some balance.

Time to JUST DO IT.

Stay tuned...

ALIVE & KICKING...

...FINALLY!

I just spent the last 3 weeks on the sofa...first week w/ a massive head & chest cold, week 2 brought on a lovely sinus infection, week 3 a painful ear infection!! FUN, FUN, FUN!! I've never had either infection before, I didn't realize how severe they can be! I'm so thankful that my children never had to deal w/ ear infections like some children do, poor babies...they can't tell us how bad the pain really is. That's sad.

Anyway...I've been AWFUL as far as nutrition goes & obviously no activity. I'm sure I'll be up.

Being sick really knocked my off keel, as far as emotions go. I'm pretty down, which really sucks. I'm sure the little bit of sugar I've consumed doesn't help my mood any, either.

Gotta get it back together, I'm really tired of this roller coaster.

WEIGH-IN - WEEK 256

Weeks OP: 256
WI Date: 1/9/08

Weight: 219.4
Loss/Gain: -1.8 lbs

Total Loss: 54.6
Pounds to Goal: 69.4

Yes, nice WI (only 4 days after previous WI), but this is the first time I've done the math in a while... I again have more to lose than I have lost. WOW, ick. (obviously that happened around 212.5 lbs.... back in October) I liked the numbers much better when I only had 35 lbs left to go. (duh!)

BUT...can't dwell on what's already been done, huh?? I can only move forward from here, right?

I HAVE A TEENAGER!

Sam is thirteen today! (officially @ 9:17pm, actually) Yikes! I can't believe it!

He's a good kid, thank goodness, but dang, look at his hair!! LOL!


Actually, I'm the one who has been putting off cutting it, LOL, he's been wanting to get it cut for a while now, but he's still got such a baby face that I think he's going to look so young if he cuts it. Who knows? Of course every time I say I'll make an appointment he changes his mind! LOL! Right now he wants to wait till after his party this weekend... it'll probably be as long as mine this time next year. :o)

I WENT TO A DIFFERENT MEETING THIS MORNING...

I usually go Saturday mornings where my favorite leader, Michelle, is...I just love her. I've formed a really nice relationship w/ her, it's nice to have her there each week (or so).

The girls who work in the front reception area are FABULOUS! Pam, Tammy & Marie. I love each & every one of them. They notice when you've been gone & are so supportive & understanding & are all full of great ideas. Pam lost 190 lbs 5 years or so ago. She's fabulous. Over the last few years I've come to her for little pep talks when I'm really feeling lost. There's just something about her, she changed her life in a really big way & she really "gets it". Not that the others don't, not that Michelle doesn't either, Michelle's just a really busy & really popular leader, so little pep talks are kind of tough to get when you really need one sometimes.

Pam is also a leader. She leads meetings elsewhere & fills in for Michelle every so often. She's a riot! She is so funny & so engaging...I really enjoy it when she substitutes!

I heard her say a few months ago that she leads a meeting in my town (the one I go to on Saturdays is 10 miles or so away), so I asked her when & where. 10am Wednesday mornings.

Now that it's a new year & I'm on a new mission to get real w/ this journey, I decided to double up on meetings, so I went to Pam's meeting this morning. Good meeting. I liked weighing in mid-week. Even though I had weighed in on Saturday, so a full week hadn't passed yet, I have been really good & have even exercised a few times (woo-hoo! LOL!) so I decided to weigh-in.

I lost 1.8 lbs since Saturday! Yes! :o)

I'm going to start posting individual posts w/ just "WEIGH-IN RESULTS" (& my ramblings on about them) & will tag them as such so that it will be easy to click on the tag & find all the results in one place. I need to find a good weight tracker widget for the blog, too, if there is such a thing.

Anyway...I really enjoyed the meeting. Like I said, I liked weighing in mid-week & I might be able to make it more often to a Wednesday morning meeting... Saturdays are tough to do sometimes. So we'll see. I'll continue w/ my Saturday morning meetings when I can...like I said, I love Michelle...she's seen me through almost 5 years of this journey & I've made some really nice connections w/ other members & staff there, so I'm not about to stop going on Saturdays. I think I would really benefit from double meetings...no chance to have a mid-week meltdown. :o)

WHERE I AM TODAY...

Thought I would give you guys a current picture of me & my family. This was taken in September 2007. As you can see, the kids have gotten HUGE, Sam is going to be THIRTEEN on Wednesday. Yikes!! As you can also see, I haven't gotten huge. :o) I definitely have a ways to go & I'm still up from my lowest... more than I wish I was, but I haven't gained it ALL back (& then some, as we tend to do).

It's been an especially rough year for my weight as I've been hyper-focused on melting glass. :o) I did pretty well maintaining my weight-loss for quite a bit, not moving forward, but not stepping backwards too much... but I lost my focus on health & nutrition & my body only held out for a little bit w/out proper care & feeding. :o) I started going to meetings only about once a month & of course each weigh-in resulted in a little bit more weight-gain... so it added up.

Over the holidays, I didn't go to a meeting the entire month of December. I was afraid to see what the scale said this past Saturday... my clothes are tight, so I knew I was up... I was expecting something like 10 lbs, because I'm really hard on myself when I'm not being REALLY good, but amazingly, I was only up 2 lbs! It was a BIG relief, I was dreading having to deal w/ undoing additional damage on top of what I had slowly gained over the summer.

I've definitely held onto the majority of my good eating habits, although it's been forever since I journaled, so I know I'm not getting in those daily basic foods like fruits & veggies, oil, enough water, etc. My biggest issue is that I haven't exercised in over a year! Yikes!! Hard to keep the weight off if you're not moving & not being 100% perfect w/ your nutrition.

Anyway...I'm up to 222 lbs. Ugh. At my lowest, in August 2004, I was at 185 lbs. BUT, I know where I COULD be right now if I just completely let go. I'd be over 300 by now, easily.

So...that's where I am. I'm trying to find balance between life & this journey. I HAVE to... I don't want to have to deal w/ any more damage if I continue keeping those blinders on.

Time to get to work (on me!)

Thanks for listening.

Julie

2008 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Yes, it's a new year... just like everyone else, this feels like a really good time to start fresh & get things moving again.

I'm sure it looks like I dropped off the face of the earth w/ this blog... but in reality, the blog entries that are dated before this one have been transferred from my REMODELING.ME website & I'm planning on filling in the blanks as I can. I just figured this was a much better way to keep my site updated, much easier for me. :o)

Life has been NUTS (see why HERE)...but I haven't wandered [too far] away from a healthy life & WW... just haven't figured out how to balance it all yet. I'm working on it!!

I'm heading out... just wanted to give you a quick update... in case you somehow find this. :o)

Later!

Julie