Thinking this through...(a Julie Ramble)

Got a little time for a Julie Ramble??

Ad’s post about “Failure Panic” was pretty timely, I have to say. :o) I know that I’m not going through any anxiety as far as “failing” goes... I know I’m going to continue to move forward, I know that THIS lifestyle is MY LIFE now & I have been really satisfied w/ that, happy w/ the changes I've made... but I made a comment earlier on a thread about the scale not being my friend, which prompted a kind GoaDi to check out my weight chart on my website & try to help me make sense of my dance w/ the scale over the last 8 weeks... ( -1, +1, -4.2, +1.6, +6, -3.8, +2.6, -2.2 ) ... as I was thinking this through while I was writing my response out I came up w/ this...

...up till about 6 weeks ago I could say that I was OP 98% of the time... carefully measuring / weighing & journaling EVERYTHING! All of that & I still only dropped like 12 - 15 lbs in 9 months! It WASN'T a huge deal to me... this journey is more to me about getting healthy, forming habits that I'll hold on to forever, that I know will eventually help me get to goal, so I've not been stressing out over what the scale says. Mid-September I had 2 really BAD weeks, I just needed a break, I think, went sugar crazy... had that 6 lb gain (see previous journal entry) & have been back OP since then, but I've been "not so fabulous" over the weekends since then as well. So, the last 6 weeks or so has been a self imposed dance w/ the scale! :o)

I don't know... I'm really enjoying CORE... love that I have the freedom to eat healthy foods w/ no cost points wise (although I do still journal, knowing that I'm not going over the top w/ points on a daily basis)... CORE is encouraging me to get a nutritionally balanced diet, but I've also had this major sugar thing since after the first week doing it! I don't quite understand it.

Up till a few months ago, I don't know WHAT it was... darned plateau... but right now it's just ME. I'm a little too patient, I know that... look how much time has passed & I'm only down 12 lbs or so this YEAR, that's crazy! January is my 2 year OP anniversary, I SHOULD be so much closer to goal, if not already there. Most of the time I say "that's okay", there is more to this than losing weight... at least I'm maintaining (in a 5 lb range sort of way, LOL!), right? I guess frustration HAS crept in over the last few weeks, frustration over my lack of control these last few months... figuring that I'm rebelling a bit, needing a little break from "perfection", although I'm the first one to admit that I'm far from perfect... I'm pretty darned laid back about this whole process, actually. Too laid back for my own good, I think!! :o)

It's not a big deal (I tell myself!)... not like I'm going to quit, EVER... I'm still heading in the right direction. I think that mainly, recently I'm just seeing all of the last 9 months as "wasted time"... yeah, I know, not really "wasted", but "what if / if only" thoughts keep coming to my head... "if only I had continued to lose like I was last year, I'd be so much further along", etc. ...I came into this journey realizing that I can't have those "if only" thoughts anymore... they only held me back from moving forward in the past... I know better now.

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I'm doing this to myself on purpose. I hardly lost any weight w/ lots of hard work for the majority of this year, why not slack off a bit for a while & get the same results?? For the last few weeks, I’ve done well enough most of the week to make sure I can maintain, ( that last gain was a “timing’ thing ) but I'm not giving myself the chance to move forward, am I? Guess I got tired of being hopeful that the next WI will be different.

I know what to do (but wouldn’t mind a few ideas), I guess I'm just keeping myself from continuing to be disappointed @ the scale for no reason... which is why I say that the scale is no longer my friend! :o) Actually, the scale has never been my friend... I don't give it much weight this time around... you could read about that in my first RAMBLING... SLOW WEIGHT LOSS.

I think, for the most part, I try to be the "rock" that everyone has known for almost 2 years... it's hard to show that I stumble, too. :o)

As far as CORE goes... I do like it & hope to continue doing it, but I'll continue to journal to keep myself on track, too.

Any thoughts??

LOL... geez, I haven't rambled on like that in a while! :o)


Julie


... & yes, I'm super proud of how far I HAVE come... no doubt about it!

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I got some great responses from this post on GoaD. This is what I posted after reading through them...

Reading through these posts, appreciating the insight, is making me have to think this through even more. I KNOW this isn't a race, I KNOW that this isn't a journey all about always doing the right thing... that it's more about stumbling & learning all along the way. I KNOW this, I've tried to convey this exact message to all of you for almost 2 years now.

I think that what this is all about, more than anything, is that all of the sudden I'm feeling the pressure of reaching a goal (reward) that I know is very much out of reach, at least in the time frame that I want it to be in. You know that my goal reward is a PT Cruiser. I was going to get one anyways, but decided that I wanted to attach it to my success of reaching goal. Well... we're going to be ready to get that Cruiser in April (the truck will be paid off, only one car payment at a time, you know?) & I really REALLY want it... but do I break that deal that I made w/ myself & get it when we planned, or do I keep this committment & truly make it a reward for reaching goal? I want to make it my reward... something that I will be so proud of... but I'm feeling the pressure & when I feel pressure like this (putting it on myself, of course), I tend to just shut down.

If this darned car wasn't in my future... at least not dangling in front of me like a bone, ready to be rewarded for a job well done, I know I'd be fine. I would continue to move forward at my own pace, not letting a huge plateau knock me off course, knowing that I WILL get there EVENTUALLY, even if it's 5 years down the road... knowing that progress is progress at any pace.

So what do I do? Do I change my goal reward to something else? A tummy tuck? :o) Reaching goal is a reward in itself, of course.

I was thinking about this time last year, when we started the first annual New Year's Challenge... I was sitting at 220... so that's actually over 30 lbs in a full year!

It's time that I took my own challenge seriously & let it help me regain focus, huh? :o)

Anyways... I know what I need to do... I just need to do it. Positive thinking, just DOING IT, etc...

Thanks again, guys. I truly appreciate knowing that you're here for me when I need you. :o)

WEIGH-IN: 90 WEEKS OP

Up Down Up Down... this is driving me a little nuts! I've been playing w/ the same 5-7 lbs or so since June! That's nuts!!!

Weeks OP: 90
Weight: 189.8
Loss/Gain: -2.2
TOTAL Loss: 85.2
Pounds to Goal: 44.8

WEIGH-IN: 89 WEEKS OP

UGH!

Weeks OP: 89
Weight: 192
Loss/Gain: +2.6
TOTAL Loss: 83
Pounds to Goal: 47

WEIGH-IN: 87 WEEKS OP

Back on track!! This week went really well, obviously!

Weeks OP: 87
Weight: 189.4
Loss/Gain: -3.8
TOTAL Loss: 85.6
Pounds to Goal: 44.4