RAMBLING...PERMANENT PROGRESS... doing this the right way! - April 2003

I have always hated to exercise...but I at least try to get out for a walk now that it's getting nice out (having kids helps...they love getting out, walking to the lake to throw rocks, etc...)...I have tapes & stuff that would help me out even more, but I can't seem to talk myself into doing them more than once a week at the moment. I guess for me, at first I was trying to get comfortable w/ the food thing first, but then I realized that instead of waiting till I was thinner to start exercising (cuz it will probably be easier then), that I should be thinking about starting now so that I'll be that much farther ahead of the game when I do get more of this weight off, you know? So I try to make it a point to get some sort of exercising in at least every other day. (if I HAVE to! LOL!!) BUT, I also know that I don't want to go crazy w/ exercise, like going to the gym 5 days a week like some of these guys do because I know that it is impractical for me to think that I have the time to do that & that it is something that I would keep up w/ forever...I know that the minute I back off I'll see some weight come back on...even if I were eating right. I think it's really really important to do what you can see yourself doing for the rest of your life. This is why I haven't given in to the diet pill industry, I KNOW you can't take those things for the rest of your life, so why bother? Why bother doing it the wrong way quickly just to find myself back where I started when I can do it the right way slowly & make permanent progress???

So...in slowly finding permanent progress...I'm TRYING to find JOY & SATISFACTION in the things that I used to find torturous (exercise) & boring (fruit & veggies)...realizing that the only way I can make this work is if I mentally change quicker than my body does. I don't want to get to my goal weight & not have it figured out to keep it off for the rest of my life. Up till now, this had ALWAYS been about weight loss to me...always about getting down to a specific size w/ curves in the right places, being able to wear cute clothes like my little (thin) sister...a reunion or special occasion...not wanting people who haven't seen me this big to see me this big, you know?? It had never been about my health...never about making a real change in how I view food, how I deal w/ stress (& food!)...never making a plan on how to keep the weight off after I've gotten it off, you know?

It took me a LONG LONG time to get to the point that I would try to take this weight off again. I even thought I was ready in late 2001...I knew that I wasn't going to even start anything if I couldn't do it for life...& I got 20 some pounds off in a few months, then the holidays happened & life happened & it all got in my way & I went back to mindlessness...you know what I mean...not caring what I was putting in my mouth...well, not NOT caring, just not wanting to take the time to do the right thing...to plan, etc. I knew I wasn't going to give up...I COULDN'T...I knew that if I did I would balloon up even more...I would gain that 20 some pounds back & then 10 more & then even more. I saw myself getting way too close to 300 lbs and I could finally see no end to the weight I could gain...that was scary! I just had to find the motivation & all the stuff that you need to keep this change in lifestyle going till it became natural.

I've been lucky enough to not have any weight related health problems (other than a broken bone in my foot that refuses to completely heal, more than likely because of my weight)...but I certainly knew they were right around the corner.

So...here I am. I think I've finally gotten it together...I know that this is about alot more than the weight...for me it's about living a healthy lifestyle that will eventually include a great body...but more than anything, I know that it is the lifestyle that I'll be bringing along w/ me into my 40's & 50's & up into my 80's & 90's...I'm eating like a healthy person & I know that I just have to give my body time to catch up! :o)